Sidenote

I think if I came into this blog and read it, I'd think this person was ridiculous. There's something about blogging that makes me feel as if I should write differently--more refined or something. This is mostly ridiculous. Although, perhaps this is me as well. Perhaps I need a place to contemplate...hm...

I guess I've never really considered myself a contemplative person. But maybe this is good....

New Goal: To write on here when I'm not just in a contemplative mood so that those who actually read this, don't always laugh at my ridiculousness, but at times, laugh at my goofiness.

First Impressions

It amazes me how first impressions can change. Even the first impressions after you just first enter a friendship. Sure there's the impression of who a person is when you first see them, but there's also the first impression when you actually begin a friendship--a formulation in your brain of where this friendship is going to go and how it will progress. Yet, if the friendship does actually continue, generally one's first impression of the other is gradually shifted.

I started a new friendship in the past few weeks with a girl, that was before, just an acquaintance. We've been thrown together more often lately and our personalities just seem to click. I was always kind of intimidated by her, now we pick on each other unmercifully. It's fun. Changed first impressions.

I do this with guys a lot. I'll meet a guy and the newness of the friendship will make everything exciting, painting him with rose colored streaks. Often I wonder if "he's the one". This thought process usually lasts for a few weeks. I get to know him better, begin to see our differences and realize that we'd never work out. Yet the intrigue is still there. And despite all my convincing that it will never work out, my thoughts turn to him far too often.

It's usually about then that I get to know him well enough that something seriously annoying arises. The difference that seemed so intriguing, is overwhelmed by the unattractiveness of laziness or the realization that he doesn't actually hear anything I say. Generally I'm thankful--it's beyond the time since God's first started whispering , "Let it go. I've got your future under control. You don't need to orchestrate things with him."

So, another door shuts. But it's ok.

And surprisingly, it really is.

Nothing Ordinary

Ordinary...Such a boring word really, lacking zest and energy. Yet, so often I long for it. I long to get married, to have kids, to live an ordinary life with a picket fence in my front yard.

How long does it take to get to the point where you can truly and fully be satisfied with God, not His blessings. Marriage would be a huge blessing, and I would be lying if I said I didn't want it. It seems every time I get on facebook another one of my friends is engaged. Their pictures make my heart melt. They're holding hands, running through a flowered field. He leans over to kiss her cheek looking at her like she's the most precious thing in the whole world. And I smile...and then my heart breaks. Because I want that so much. I want a guy who will look at me like that, who longs to spend time with me. And I question why I don't have that. What is wrong with me?

And then I'm gently reminded that I do have that. There's someone who's madly pursing me. Who gives things to me daily that he hopes will make me smile. Who loves me with a love beyond my comprehension. Who will NEVER leave me. Who has the wisest advice. Who will never let me down. The God who created the world, loves me...ordinary me. And because of that love, I'm extraordinary.

We spend time with what we love. If we love reading, we can spend hours on a good book. If we love sports, we spend hours playing or watching. I have many 'loves', but one great Love that should blow all the rest out of the water. He created me. He chose me. And He loves me! He madly pursues me. He wants a relationship with me. The God who created the universe. Who's bigger than anything I can imagine, wants a personal relationship with me. And I want that too. I love Him. I want to continue to grow in this relationship with Him; to know Him more. I'm a youth ministry major. I volunteer on mission trips and intern at a Christian camp. I push others to know God more.

Yet, do I personally spend enough time with Him? Sure, I try to do devotions everyday. I wake up early, and cram a 15-20 minute 'quiet time' into my day. And that's it. There's 24 hours in the day, and I give him a quarter of an episode of Psych. I could easily watch two hours of TV or spend an hour on facebook. Yet, I give the God who I declare to love more than anything else only 15 minutes? Why?

I got an email from a friend today. She's going to a school where spending time with God is mandatory, yet she's learning to love it. One thing she said really stuck with me. "Time is so essential if we want to really grow in our relationship with Him, which seems obvious, but so few people do it, ya know? They just expect to be some super christian, but don't really try for it. Or, a LOT of people don't even want to be a super Christian... they just don't want to go to hell, so they show up to church on Sundays or whatever... orrr.... they don't even care about God and they just go through the motions for the friends or time filler... but it's SO MUCH MORE. God just wants to spend TIME with us, because if we do, we will grow closer to His heart, begin to obey His commands, get an "eternal perspective" in that nothing on this earth is really that important. We have one chance here to be God's light to others, and that chance is a little blip in the scope of billions of years with Jesus (or with Satan if one so chooses). I mean, wow! How could you not want to live WHOLEHEARTEDLY for Him?"

After this she told me that she knows I know this, but just needed to vent. But you know what? I needed to hear this. It makes me examine where I'm spending my time. I still think that getting up early to do devos is a good thing. Yet, I know I need more. 15 minutes is not going to cut it. I need a space where there is no time schedule, where I can just sit and soak in God's word, where I can look out and pray for those walking by. It's something that Satan desperately wants to hold from me. But I'll fight for it. I've got to find a spot, a place I can go and just be with God. Because truly, how can I point others towards Christ if I'm not going anywhere with my faith?

A Fresh Start

I've got my fuzzy socks on. I'm watching America's Top Model. I don't have any homework making me feel guilty for this lazy evening. Life is good.